


Alone Again (Without You)

by KailyndriaRachelKatz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, F/M, Hurt Sam Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-18 04:24:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18113240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KailyndriaRachelKatz/pseuds/KailyndriaRachelKatz
Summary: Another crappy motel room finds Sam thinking about Jess while he's forced to listen to Dean's sexcapdes from next door.





	Alone Again (Without You)

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings my fellow readers,
> 
> This is a stand alone story that just popped into my head last night as I was trying to relax. It demanded to be written. An hour and a half later it was complete.
> 
> Please remember that I just borrow the characters, all goof ups are mine and kudos are like kisses and hugs for authors.
> 
> Thanks for reading---AKF and spread love and sunshine within the universe.
> 
> KRK
> 
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

** Alone Again (Without You) **

****

         Once again he finds himself alone in a dingy, cheap, dirty motel room--unable to sleep. _Thanks a lot jerk!!_ Sam had been just about to drift off to sleep when he was startled awake by loud moaning, screams of "more--harder---fuck me like the rock star that you are!!" and the constant banging sounds of the headboard against their shared wall. Sometimes he really hated his older brother.

         Dean had been in a pissy mood most of the day as they drove back towards the bunker. First the hunt had ended up badly and once again (the second fuck-up), Sam had gotten banged up when it turned out the damn female vampire hadn't been alone but instead had been traveling with her mate. The male vamp had been determined to do as much damage as possible before it killed Sam. Too bad he made the same mistake they had and assumed that Sam had been a lone hunter. After he had thrown Sam across the room, the vamp had been determined to chock him nearly to death. Thank God his brother had been able to sneak up behind the vamp and end him. Sam had ended up with three bruised ribs, a sprained left wrist and a mild concussion to go along with his swollen windpipe and severely bruised larynx. Dean hadn't been amused when Sam hadn't been able to talk for two days. Instead he had given Sam the cold shoulder after tending to his wounds because once again he had screwed up Dean's hunt. _I'm always disappointing him and fucking everything up!_  They had been packed up and ready to leave after the hunt; so Dean had half dragged / half carried Sam back to the Impala and drove two towns over so that he could patch up his baby brother.

         After nearly four days of mindless nothing (in yet another sub-par motel) while his ribs mended and his head cleared up; they had packed up this morning and drove for nearly seven hours before Dean had pulled off the interstate, found a motel and went in to get them separate rooms. At his brother's questioning look, Dean had explained that he planned on fucking the first good looking chick that looked his way and he refused to dirty up his baby with some random hook-up (unlike Sam had not too long ago). Then Dean had left him standing by his room door with his duffel at his feet while he took off to find a bar to troll for slutty girls. Sam must have stood there for a good ten minutes or so before he realized that his brother wasn't kidding or coming back. He had been so sick by Dean's actions that he barely managed to make it inside to the bathroom before getting sick in the toilet. After brushing his teeth; Sam had locked the doors, laid out the salt then gone to bed. It had been six thirty at night. It had taken a long time for sleep to come but when it did; so did the dreams.

         So that was how Sam found himself, at nearly three in the morning, wide awake thanks to his brother's energetic and very vocal partner. Unable to sleep but not willing to do more them lounge around in bed; leaves him with little to do expect think---and so he does. Sam's mind starts to wander--random thoughts filtering through but nothing seems to engage his wide awake mind until he hears his brother shout "....Fuck.....that's it baby......suck me dry!!" Followed by Dean's panting and moaning as his date is obviously giving him a blow job.

         That gets Sam thinking about the last time he actually had sex with a partner and not his right hand--not that he does _that_ much either.  Doing a quick mental calculation he realizes that its been almost a three  years since he engaged in any sort of sexual activity with another person. The last time being that waitress he had liked. _Piper, that was her name. Damn she had been so sweet and pretty. Reminded me of Jess. Dean thinks we 'dirtied' up his Baby but the only thing that happened was some heavy petting and Piper giving me a shitty blow job._ Sam smiles as he remembers how embarrassed his brother had been after he realized that Sam had female company in the back of the Impala. _Wonder what he would have done-- how he would have reacted if Piper had been a Peter instead......probably would have killed me. Dean still gets wigged out when people assume we're a couple._

         Thinking about his track record and his sexual experiences has him realizing that he hasn't really bothered to seek out a partner or to have intercourse with any one since Jess died. Even as a teen, Sam hadn't been overly interested in the going ons of his peers or their discussions about sex. He always had other things occupying his thoughts, such as research or whether or not his family was coming back from the latest hunt. He used to think that there was something wrong with him. So he did what he always does and researched it. That was when he realized that he's what's known as asexual and demisexual. Also known as Gray asexuality. In other words he isn't really attracted to the idea of sex because he needs to be emotionally connected to the person before he feels the desire for intercourse. _Shit I can't even get hard unless I have some sort of connection.... emotional connection... to another person._ It's why he's only had intercourse--full blown, hot, sloppy sex with only two people since Jess has died---Sara and Madison. Both girls looked nothing like Jess--dark hair and dark eyes-- but like Jess both women were also dead because they had the misfortune to have sex with him.

         Thoughts of Jess start to drift into Sam's consciousness.

 

         --the smell of her hair in the rain.....

         --the deep green of her eyes that had reminded him of Dean's....

         --seeing her for the first time, sitting across the library from him, chewing on a pen cap while she read her biology book.....

         --the way she would light up as she smiled at him......

         --the first time they told each other the words "I love you"....

 

Silent tears start to slide down his face as he remembers how beautiful his girl looked when she first told him the news. The one thing that made his heart fill up; burst with love and fill up again. The one thing that he's never told another living soul--not even Dean and he tells his brother everything.

         Sam doesn't bother to wipe away the tears as they begin to pool in the hollow of his throat. Instead he tossed back the covers and sits up on the bed. He reaches out to the nightstand to grab his laptop from where he placed it earlier in the evening to charge. The computer only has about thirty-three percent charged back to the battery so he leaves it plugged in as he wakes it up. Once it's ready, Sam logs into his old social media account--the one Jess had created for him---and starts to go through his albums of their life together. The wetness on his face reminds him of a everything he lost on November second; that he still feels the pain of Jess' death. Sam's never been a 'pretty crier' and soon his nose is also dripping down his face along with the visible heartache in the form of tears; forcing him reach for some tissues to finally clean off his face.

         Sam doesn't know how long he sat there like that--crying and snot faced before the moved his hand over to the Kleenex box on the nightstand. _I'm so sorry Sweet Girl of mine. You didn't deserve to die. You should have run from me that first day at the library instead of coming over to talk to me. Your love for me is the reason that you were murdered. But we got the bastard Jess. Dean and I avenged your death. I will always love you Jess!!_

When he turns his eyes back to the screen he's surprised to see that he's opened up his hidden program. It's been years since he's looked at this set of photos and videos. They had been making a video record to one day show......The  memories flood his mind before he can stop them......

 

         **_Jess has been blowing up his phone all afternoon but he's in the middle of class and can't answer it. Once Professor Brennen dismisses class the first thing he does is to call her back._**

**_"Hey Jess, what's so important that you needed to call me a million times today? Is Brady being an ass again?"_**

**_"Hey baby....I...ummm, Sam can you come home right now?? I really need to talk to you."_ **

**_Sam can hear the quiver in his girlfriend's voice and a chill runs up his spine. Jess hasn't been feeling well for the past few weeks and Sam had finally convinced her to go to the clinic on campus. She has insisted he go to his classes since he had to complete his finals this week. Now he's wishing he had gone with her instead._ **

**_"Uh, yeah. I'll be home in about ten minutes or so. Are you okay Sweet Girl?? What did the doctor say?" Sam starts to walk faster across the campus towards their apartment. Once again he wishes he had been able to afford a car or had a bike so that he could get back to his girl faster. He was starting to panic--he needs to see Jess now._ **

**_"I'll tell you everything but not over the phone. I need to tell you in person. I'll see you when you get home--okay?!? Love you baby!!"_ **

**_"I love you too Sweet Girl. See you soon." Then Sam hears the phone call end. He still has the phone to his ear before he realizes that all he's hearing is the dial tone. So he closes his phone and puts it in his pocket and runs the rest of the way back to the apartment he shares with the love of his life._ **

****

His computer screen is showing a steady stream of images of his life with Jess. He still remembers how he felt that day; rushing back to their tiny one bedroom hole in the wall apartment. He recalls how frightened he was that the doctors had discovered some sort of terminal illness and that he would lose his girl to some sort of slow death. He had wanted to marry her. Sam had been working three jobs (but Jess thought he only worked two) so that he could make the payments on the ring he had made just for her. A beautiful one Karat princess cut diamond surrounded by trillions (triangle shaped diamonds on either side) in a raised old fashioned setting. It had been pricey but his girl was worth every cent he struggled to earn.

         He had been freaking out when he entered their home that afternoon only to find a very happy and smiling Jess waiting for him. Sam had been breathless when he plowed through the door. The words refusing to come out of his mouth to ask again about her visit to the clinic. Instead he had rushed to her and pulled  his girl in tight for a hug. Her giggles had thrown him off but the smile on her face said what she had yet to voice. _I'm perfectly fine._

         Sam had been confused when she had stepped out of his embrace and handed him an envelope. "Go ahead Baby, open it!" she had said. Sam was confused as to why she was handing it to him but she seem to be fine, so he did as she asked. With shaking hands Sam pulled out the flap from the back of the envelope and pulled out a card. It simply read "Happy Father's Day" on the front and showed a picture of  a small child and father. Sam remembers that she had bought two in June because she thought that Sam might want to send one to his father. He didn't even know where his father was at the time; so they had put it away.

         "Jess, what is this?" He had asked. But she had just stood there silently waiting for him to open the card. With no other choice that's what he did. Once again Sam can feel the tears on his cheeks as he remembers opening up the card to see the picture from the ultra sound. Jess hadn't been sick  or dying from some terminal illness. She had been pregnant---with his son. He had cried then too, but those tears had been of joy. They had started taking hundreds of photos; wanting to document every possible moment of this incredible gift they had been given. The first photo in the stream-- currently playing on his laptop--is the ultrasound picture Jess had placed into the card. The next is Sam's face once he realized what he was looking at... _card in one hand, ultrasound in the other and tears streaming down his face_. Sam still had that precious card. It was currently in a lock box in his room back in the bunker but it had spent years concealed away in a hidden compartment in the bottom of his duffel. They had even made a video to send to Jess' parents to announce their joyous news. They had been waiting to find out if they were having a boy or girl. They had found out at Jess' appointment on October 22 that they were going to have a boy.

         Finding out their child would be a son had sparked a renewed; somewhat friendly disagreement between them about names. Jess was all about giving their son a family name while Sam cringed at the thought of another John, Sam or Dean bearing the surname Winchester floating around in the universe. She had pestered Sam until he gave up and told her all the names of his family.

         Dad--Jonathan Henry Winchester

         Brother--James Dean Winchester. Yes his brother's first name was actually James but God help anyone who calls him that. Dean had once gotten suspended for a week from middle school for beating the ever living tar out of the school bully who thought it was cute to tease "Jimmy Dean" about his name. It was only after that incident that their father had all of Dean's school records changed by dropping his real first name from the files. Sam actually remembers watching his father and brother use up two bottles of white-out to 'correct' all of the files.

         His name--Samuel Adam Winchester. Yep, his parents had been real funny or super high when they had come up with the names for their children. Dean was named after a famous actor and he was named after a beer--really fucken awesome! Sam would of hated to find out what they had in mind if they had had any more kids. By the end of the week and just before Halloween; Jess announced that she had the perfect name for their son--"Robert James Winchester".

         She had explained that the name was perfect because her grandfather's name was James and so was his brother's. So the name had roots on both sides of their family. She liked Robert because Sam had told her many times how his Uncle Bobby was more like a second father then an uncle. Plus Jess' father's name was Robert. So their child would have a family name that held meaning for both sides. No favoritism at all. He had loved her more then he ever thought he could when she had told him that and had agreed immediately. She was right--it had been the perfect name for their son.

         The sun is starting to peak the first rays of light through the curtains of his crappy motel room while Sam sat in the overly quiet room. His head was aching and his nose was clogged from all of the crying he had done over the past few hours. Random pictures of Jess' brief  five month pregnancy filtered across his screen before Sam moved his computer and put it back onto the nightstand to continue charging. He felt heartsick and broken all over again. All he wanted was to finally be able to die and be reunited with the love of his life and their son. Sam rolled onto his right hand side and cried into his pillow until exhaustion finally overcame him. Not even his brother's early morning escapades next door could jar him from his unconscious state. Thankfully, Sam fell into a deep, dark, black pit of sleep. No dreams would haunt him as he rested.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

         Two hours later his brother came into his room; freshly showered and bringing with him coffee and pancakes. Dean was in a fantastic mood after his all night sex session with the busty redhead. He was ready to have breakfast with Sam, pack up and head home. He had expected his geeky little brother to be wide awake waiting for him. What greeted him instead was the open, running laptop with its constant stream of pictures from Sammy's life at Stanford and one very asleep brother. Dean watched the loop four times before he quietly shut down the computer. Sam had never told him that he was going to be a father; he had only ever said that he had wanted to marry Jess. _Fuck!!! He would of been a fantastic father too. I am so sorry Sammy. I never should have dragged you back into hunting. Please forgive me little brother._

         Silent tears leaked out from the corners of Dean's eyes when he had watched the baby announcement video announcing the child to be a boy and that his name would have been Robert James. Learning about the child that his brother had lost explained so much. Sam had been so sensitive, moody and sullen back then. His dedication and devotion to his lost love was evident. Dean had lost count of the number of times a beautiful woman had ignored him and hit on Sammy. But his brother never seemed to notice or show much interest in anyone with the exception of Sara and Madison. Dean cringes as he remembers how wrecked Sam had been when both women had died.

         He would have to be extra diligent as he watched over his brother. Sam had fallen into a serious depression more then once over the years and had become almost suicidal--especially during dangerous hunts. Now he knows why. _And this is why angels are dick and demons are assholes._ He makes sure to tuck the covers around his baby brother's shoulders and stokes his hair gently a few times before grabbing their breakfast and leaving the room. Dean decides to pay for an extra day because his brother looks worn out but only for Sam's room. He no longer needs his own space because he plans on sleeping in Sammy's room tonight.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

         Hidden over in the corner of the room, the Archangel Gabriel looks over at his exhausted, sleeping charge and not for the first time curses out his stupid, idiotic siblings for wanting to relive the Apocalypse. _Whole lot of fun that turned out to be; you pricks!!_ He can't change the past (well he can but it will change too much if he goes back to save Sam's soul mate and child) but he can keep the nightmares away from Sam while he sleeps. Gabriel promises the slumbering Winchester that he will also be more diligent in his duties in keeping Sam safe.

 

The End


End file.
